I know you can't read yet and I can't wait for the day when you finally can! There are so many things I would like to tell you when you grow up. Its not that I can't wait, but your Mom forgets a lot of things, maybe my thoughts can be useful to you in time and certainly, things do get lost in the moment. I don't want to lose these thoughts now, they feel very important to me now that I can't sleep.
If only I knew then what I know now - is a phrase that comes to mind. Growing up, things were sometimes difficult. I wish my future self would come visit me and tell me things were going to be okay. I needed a hug or some sense of comfort. I wish I had an older sibling to tell me things or give me a heads up. Well, like you I'm the oldest of the bunch. So I had to feel my way through and it was always rough on me.
A simple math exam was grueling, homework was torture and certain events felt like doomsday. I often took things to heart. I realized now I was overly sensitive as a child, but there was no one to tell me or console me that things were going to be okay. That I needed to chill, relax a bit. That I should not worry much because days, months, years later. It doesn't even matter. These activities or things we fill our younger years shouldn't pre-occupy us so much. Someone should have told me to look at the big picture.
Your grandparents instead of comforting me, even pushed the ball further and the pressure was often intense at school and at home. The corporal punishment was also severe, there was a certain code of behavior that one was to live up to. They come from an old era and their methods were rooted on old school discipline. The kind I don't want you to go through, you are a child of the future now. Your generation is far removed from mine and your grandparents. I love your grandparents very much, but I feel I know better as a mom what kind of life you deserve to live. I will raise you differently, I have nothing but all the love in the world for you. I want you to have a happy childhood with enough time for play or things that interest you. I am not afraid to hug you. I hope you too will grow up not afraid to hug me back, no matter at what age.
Your grandparents were very hardworking, thus they were very high-strung, I think they've pass on all these anxieties on me. This is something I think should end with me, the buck for anxious living should end on my watch. I want you to be happy. Life is short, look at the bigger picture.
Always do what is right honey. Do not compromise what you love doing, what you feel passionate for. There are things far important than money, there's health and personal fulfillment. Love and being loved back =)
Do not marry young (I didn't BTW). But I want you spend your young adult life living and fulfilling your dreams. The right time for family can come in later when you feel you are mature and responsible enough to be as good as your Tatay as a dad.
I think this is turning into a sermon now. This is my attempt at giving you life lessons.
If you have any problem, take it easy, look at your situation objectively, remove yourself from it and observe the problem from a distance. Remember, the bigger picture.
How will this affect my life as a whole? Would this problem matter days or months later? Most likely it won't, so don't fret.
Life is short. Enjoy every bit of it. I don't mean for you to be careless or impulsive. I want you to live a life not based on anxiety, but based on your passion for your craft or job and on the love from the people around you.
God Bless you my Cowcow!
I love you so much!
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